Bringing Sexy Back

OK, so bailed on my blog for two months but I am back! I got way too emotional and deep with it and didn't really know where to go next so I just ignored it. Good game plan right? I don't have much else to say right now other than I am back!

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Anyone reading this already knows that on December 30th, 2010 I gave birth to Lucy Louise Rollins. Our second daughter was 11 days late and I was scheduled to be induced at 7:45 Thursday morning. Instead I went into labour at about 2:00 am and she was born, less than 6 hours later, at 7:47 am. She weighed 9 lbs 5 oz and I am proud to say that I did it with no epidural, drugs, or gas. I felt like a rock star! What many people don't know is what happened after that...

I was getting settled in my room, nursing my baby and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Andrew had brought me. It was the most delicious thing on earth because I was starving and still feeling that post-birth high. I wanted to try getting up to use the washroom so I had nurses helping me since it was my first time moving around and I was sure that I had pulled a muscle. I got to a sitting position, tried to stand and felt like I was going to black out. They made me lay down again and started monitoring my blood pressure. It was low, then lower... It wasn't long before a Dr was telling me that I had probably ruptured my c-section scar (from Sadie's birth) and would probably be heading to surgery. I was heartbroken. I had worked so hard to have a beautiful, natural birth and all I wanted to do was hold my baby and bask in those first moments. I was sent for an MRI but before I could even get in my pressure dropped again. I could feel it happening, the nurse with me could see it happening (I was scary white by now) and I was rushed back to the labour and delivery ward. That's when things got scary. I had a room full of people trying to prep me for surgery, they brought Andrew from the nursery to see me and then I was being rushed off again. I have never been so afraid in my life. I had everything to lose and all I could do was pray. "Please let me get back to my girls, I have to get back to my girls" If I had died that would have been my last thought.

In surgery they found that my previous scar had not ruptured at all. I had a rare complication and was quickly bleeding into my abdomen. I had lost approximately two thirds of my total blood supply and if my amazing nurses and doctor hadn't acted quickly I never would have seen my girls again.

Sexy Diamond

So I am slacking on this more than I would like to but it isn't because I am giving up and walking away from it. I have just been really busy. Which actually means I have not been making the time for it. I am really excited about a project that could potentially become a money making project and that has been taking up all of my extra energy. Life is good.

The Voice

I cried tonight. Not an ugly cry, but still a cry. I feel as if I have been on a new journey lately. It's been way overdone but it all started with a near death experience. I'm laying on the operating table, everyone around me seems to be on red alert and I have an oxygen mask being held over my face, rather firmly. I feel as if my mind is racing but the only thought is "My Girls". I have to get back to my girls. I have to get back to my girls. I have to get back to my girls. It becomes my mantra as I am waiting for the anesthetic to kick in. I have to get back to my girls.  And then I pray. My mantra turns into my prayer. "Hello God! I haven't forgotten you. I need you now. Please let me get back to my girls". He/She/It really knows how to get someone's attention. So I am here, I am with my girls and I am listening. I have never doubted that there is a God but I have always questioned our interpretations of It. I think I am done questioning for a while. I think believing is the important part, the rest is minor details. With my lifelong quest to define God set aside I feel as if I can start focusing on me for once. I can finally hear that little voice in my head that has been trying to guide me my whole life. Tonight that voice reminded me that while my mantra was about my daughters I was thinking of my husband too. I cried tonight because that voice was trying to show me how much he means to me. I cried because I feel guilty for needing to be shown. I cried because I am grateful to still have time to show him.

Failure

OK So I failed yesterday. No post. I did try though. I logged in and had nothing to say. Yesterday wasn't my best day. Parts of it were good but I was grumpy. I don't have much time to post today but I made myself write something anyway. See I am trying to stick to it!

Meh

Totally don't feel like blogging today. I phoned it in on everything today, why not this? All I can think about is eating a whole pan of chocolate brownies covered in ice cream. I don't have any brownies so I am going to give this unopened bag of Hershey's Chipits a run for its money instead. Wish me luck!

Success

Ooooo, a second post! This is officially my most successful blog.

I am having one of those moments where I can't decide what I want to get out. I'd like to write about how my day went but without some background info my day won't make sense to anyone but me. So I want to write a background story but I'm not sure where to start with that. How much detail do I give? How far back do I go? You can see my dilemma. This is usually the point where I give up on my blog because it is too hard. At least I am here typing out this thought process right? Maybe by tomorrow I will know where I want to begin. Ahhh tomorrow, always helping me out of a jam!